Get Your Coats On, Kids… Mom’s Having Another Hot Flash

They start without notice … they overwhelm me.  I’m dripping sweat.  Styling my hair was wasted time – now I look like I just got out of a swimming pool – fully clothed.  These fifty-something hot flashes are for the birds. 

When they strike me outside our home, I find the nearest rigid object to frantically fan myself. 

“Mommy, what’s that lady doing with the cereal box?  Can I do that?” 

“No, baby, just stay close.” 

She makes a wide circle around me in the cereal aisle with her little boy seated in her shopping cart, using her arm to shield his eyes from the crazy lady. 

My eyes focus on the protective mother, child, and cart as they disappear around the end of the aisle.  The cereal-box fan effectively evaporates the sweat from my brow. 

Just wait, lady, your day is coming. 

How come nobody told me about hot flashes?  I mean REALLY told me about them?  

At home, there’s no point in putting the winter coats away for summer, because they’re in use year-round.  I’ll be working on dinner or just sitting, minding my own business when – splat – it hits me.  I’m melting.  I hurry to the thermostat. 

“Who turned this up to 80?” I ask.  

It’s really only about 75, but it’s on its way to 80, as far as I’m concerned.  I turn it down to 70.  My family heads for the coat closet. 

I have friends who come over to visit in the sweltering heat of summer, but they always bring a warm jacket to wear inside my home.  I even have blankets in the living room for unsuspecting guests. 

What am I supposed to do?  They can always put on a coat or blanket, but I can only take off so many clothes. 

My grip on the cereal box loosens and the box flies into the grocery shelf, knocking a variety of cereals to the floor.  Everyone in the aisle stops and looks at me.  My face is red and I’m pouring sweat. 

“Maa’m,” says a young stock boy nearby.  “Are you all right?”  His concerned expression says he thinks this old lady is having a heart attack. 

“I’m OK,” I say.  “It’s just a hot flash.” 

His eyes widen as his face turns red. 

Oh, yeah, I’m not supposed to talk about hot flashes.  It embarrasses people.  That’s why nobody prepared me for this. 

I help the stock boy pick up the boxes, as I begin to feel cool again.  I smile, and go along my merry way. 

Sorry, kid, but sooner or later you’re going to know about this first-hand, whether it’s your mother, aunt, or wife in later years.  Be forewarned, and keep your coat handy.

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2 Responses to “Get Your Coats On, Kids… Mom’s Having Another Hot Flash”

  1. Don Jones Says:

    Just like my house lol

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